“…and you see among the captives a beautiful woman and you desire her and would like to take her as your wife…” (Devarim 21:11)

I would like to share an incident from years ago involving one of my children. While walking in a forest, he found a stack of caps, that was obviously left there by a recent camp. He brought them home and asked me what to do with them. I explained that in situation such as this one we may assume yiush – the owners had likely given up on retrieving them – making it permissible to keep them. I distributed one hat to each of my children and I stored the rest in the closet. My son, the one who had found them, asked “Can I have a second hat?” I responded, “Why do you need a second one? If it’s not necessary, then there is no reason to take another, even though you found them.” He was very upset, but the lesson was clear: Just because something is available doesn’t mean that you should take it or have a right to it.

Similar behavior often occurs at a kiddush. Some people take a moderate portion of food, while others pile their plates high simply because it’s free. Why does this happen? It seems that when something is free, people feel compelled to take it, whether they need it or not. Though if they had to pay for this same item, they likely wouldn’t consider taking it at all.

At the beginning of this week’s parsha we encounter the subject of the yafes toar, a beautiful woman among the captives whom a man decides he must marry. Is this “need” borne out of a real attraction because she is a suitable shidduch, or is it merely because she is a women who is seemingly available for “free”?

The Torah addresses this issue by requiring that the yefas toar must make herself less appealing for a month; if after this time the man decides he still wants to marry her, he is permitted to. The hope is that he will see beyond his first impression, and make a real assessment whether she is an appropriate wife. First impressions are very powerful, so the Torah gives him 30 days to move past them.

I often share similar advice with bochurim who are out on shidduchim. No matter how pretty a girl appears on a date, after marriage you may wake up to someone who looks quite different. However, this does not mean that a girl shouldn’t make herself look attractive on dates. A positive first impression is powerful and enduring, helping to overlook minor flaws, and allowing the person to get to the point where he realizes that the shidduch is truly suitable for him.

This principle also applies in business. A positive first impression in initial meetings often lays the foundation for a lasting relationship. As the saying goes, “You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.”

As we approach Rosh Hashanah, we strive to make a positive first impression by improving our actions. The yetzer hara may tell us, “It won’t last – so why bother?” My answer is the same: by making a strong, positive first impression on yourself, you may discover that you’re capable of more than you thought. This can propel you to higher, sustainable levels of avodas Hashem.

Hatzlocho Raba!