The thing (teshuva) is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart, for you to do it. (Devarim 30:14)

In the Selichos, after shema koleinu and ashamnu, we have three paragraphs describing how the prophets Micah, Daniel, and Ezra each approached Hashem, beseeching mercy to accept Klal Yisroel’s repentance. While each approach deserves its own analysis, which space doesn’t permit, they collectively show that teshuvah is not a one-size-fits-all process.

The Torah writes about the mitzvah of repentance, “…it is in your mouth and in your heart” suggesting that each person must express regret and seek forgiveness in a way that reflects their individual feelings. Accordingly, the Selichos highlight these prophets to illustrate diverse approaches to asking Hashem for forgiveness, emphasizing the personal nature of repentance.

This principle extends to asking forgiveness from one’s fellow man. Often, attempts to apologize fail to elicit real forgiveness as they lack the sincerity or approach needed to resonate with the offended person.

My father once told me about someone who felt wronged over what seemed trivial to both of us. When I asked my father how he understood it, he compared it to war veterans who might say, “Don’t touch my arm; I was wounded there many years ago.”, or, “Don’t touch my leg; I was injured there long ago.” To someone who never fought in a war, these people seem irrational – why should an old wound still hurt? Yet, for those who went through these kinds of trauma, the pain can linger for decades.

Similarly, in relationships, each person has unique “soft spots” – sensitive areas shaped by their experiences. We may unknowingly trigger a strong, seemingly inexplicable (to us) reaction by touching these vulnerabilities, even if our actions appear harmless to others. It is crucial to recognize that everyone perceives and feels things differently. When we judge them by our own standards, we may cause discomfort or even animosity, by dismissing their sensitivities. Therefore, the best way to mollify them must be tailored to each person and incident.

At this time of year, when we are focused on asking for forgiveness from those that we may have offended, we must acknowledge that others may not share our perspective. If we only view things from our perspective, we may fail to ask for forgiveness with the sincerity required, as we may not recognize the significance of the offence. Instead, we must respect each person’s unique feelings, and apologize respecting their situation and perspective. There is only one true Judge, and it is not us.

May we all merit to earn forgiveness from our peers, friends, and teachers, paving the way for us to receive forgiveness from Hashem for all our misdeeds.