“…And he said, I am Yosef your brother, whom you sold into Egypt.” (Bereishis 45:4)

The gemora in Sota (10b) recounts the story of Avshalom, the son of King Dovid, who rebelled against his father’s throne, and waged war against him. In the end, Avshalom met his death, yet his father Dovid prayed that his son merit Gan Eden. When I first learned this gemora, I was perplexed: How could someone get into Gan Eden with Protektzia? If he was truly wicked and deserving of gehenim, how could his father’s prayers override his punishment? (See the Ben Yehoyada there for a reasonable explanation to this question.)

I have another question that has bothered me: Avraham had a son, Yishmael, who while growing up was far from being a Tzadik – to the extent that Sarah insisted he be sent away. Yet nowhere in Chazal do we find that Avraham taken to task for not raising Yishmael properly! Similarly, Yitzchak and Rivka are never held accountable for having a son like Eisav! I believe that such questions deserve answers.

The simple answer is that every person has free choice, independent of the home into which he is born. One can grow up in the house of Avraham, Yitzchak or Dovid Hamelech, receive the finest upbringing and education, and still choose the path of wickedness. Yet there is another possibility as well. It could be that there is a heavenly decree that causes a person to feel estranged from his roots to the point that he turns his back on everything that he was taught.

We see this in families today. Some children who stray from Yiddishkeit nevertheless maintain warm ties with their families. Others, however, sever all contact, estranging themselves completely. When that happens, it is more likely that some external cause played a role in their loss of belief in Hashem and His Torah.

Yosef’s brothers sold him into slavery in a manner that was cruel and seemingly heartless. Yet Yosef understood that such behavior was beyond ordinary human behavior and could only result from Hashem’s will. Therefore, he harbored no resentment. When he revealed himself, he simply said, “I am your brother Yosef”, because from his perspective, their brotherhood was unaffected by the sale.

In our lives we often encounter people we consider close who suddenly do something that harms us greatly. Perhaps we can learn from Yosef: When others act utterly out of character, it may be because of some Heavenly decree. Therefore, we should not alter our relationship with them at all.

We should also remember that Avraham, Yitzchak and Dovid each did everything in their power to raise their children properly, yet it didn’t work out as they hoped. So too in our generation: Parents have an obligation to try their best, but even the most devoted parents cannot always guarantee the results they desire and so are not to blame.

On this note, I recall a remarkable psak from Rav Moshe Feinstein (1895-1986). A father had a son who enjoyed learning and showed great promise. The father wanted to hire an extra rebbe to teach him subjects which are not currently being taught in school to advance the boy to his maximum potential. The question was whether the father may pay the tutor’s fee from maaser money? Reb Moshe ruled firmly that it is not permitted. Why? Because it is every parent’s obligation – not a discretionary act of chesed – to bring each child to the highest level of which he is capable. If the child can benefit from extra instruction, the parent is obligated to provide it.

In summary, we are commanded to exert our utmost effort, yet must realize that the outcome ultimately is dependent on Hashem. Our perspective should be that even when our efforts appear to end in disappointment (or worse), it is all part of a greater plan. Just as the brothers’ sale of Yosef seemed like harsh treatment, it actually was what saved the Bnei Yisrael in Egypt. So too, the negative episodes in our lives are steps leading us to our ultimate destiny.