“…Judah went up to Timnah to his sheepshearers, together with his friend Chirah the Adullamite.” (Bereishis 38:12)

One of the most cherished possessions that a person could have is a good friend. It would be appropriate to mention here the saying, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” But what does it mean? I think it is stating on a superficial level that when a person finds himself in a precarious predicament and needs an unbelievable amount of help or financial assistance, the friend who is willing to help out and suffer the aggravation in order to relieve his friend from his discomfort, is a true friend.

However, I don’t believe that that is the totality of what a true friend is, rather this is only where friendship begins. I would like to share with you Rabbi Shimon Schwab’s (1908-1995) explanation of what a friend is.

The first time that the word “friend” (רעה) is found in the Torah is with Yehuda and his friend, Chirah the Adullamite. As for why a good Jewish boy has such a close gentile friend is a subject that has to be discussed – but in a different forum. What we find in this situation seems to be something quite the opposite of what we wrote above. Yehuda did an act which normally would be considered improper conduct. Now it could very well be in other societies, and perhaps even in the Adullamite society, such actions would be acceptable. But for a religious Jew such as Yehuda, this would be considered totally inappropriate. Yehuda was willing to share this information with Chirah and thereby made himself vulnerable. He was not concerned that his friend would judge him harshly, nor that there would be repercussions of losing his friendship. On the contrary, he was confident that he would not be judged negatively. Rav Shwab says that this is the litmus test of what a true friend is. Rabbi Schwab explains that the Hebrew word רעה (rey’ah) comes from the same root as רע (ra), which means bad. This is to show that a real friendship is one where someone is confident enough in the friendship, that no matter what he reveals, his friend will be there for him.

A similar idea can be found in the Rambam’s explanation on the mishna in Pirkei Avos (1:6):  Acquire for yourself a friend (קנה לך חבר). The Rambam explains that a true friend is one who no matter what you tell him – good or bad – he will not judge you negatively. He will see you in the same light, no matter what you tell him.

I have also seen this applied to explain the sixth bracha of sheva brachos – שמח תשמח רעים אהובים – to mean that we hope that the new couple become true friends, loving each other despite any deficiencies that may be revealed.

I believe that this lesson is extremely important when one is looking to find a true friend. Not every close acquaintance is a friend. The way to know if someone is a true friend is if you can lean on your friend even in the most trying situations of need, while remaining confident that he won’t judge you negatively. Indeed.