…And he said to his father, “Let my father sit up and eat of his son’s game, so that you may give me your innermost blessing.” (Bereishis 27:31)

“How do I acquire good middos?” is a question many people ask. It is such a popular question that there are now numerous books explaining how to act as a proper Jew. The question then arises, how can derech eretz come before Torah if one must learn so much Torah to know what is proper derech eretz is?!

The Alter of Slabodka addresses this question in this week’s parsha. He proves his answer based on the fact that in the ideal world (the world after the arrival of Moshiach), even the animals will live in harmony with each other and have refined middos. Certainly, therefore, man, who was created in the image of G-d, has an ingrained derech eretz. It is only through sin that a man perverts this natural inclination, resulting in a tendency to do wrong.

Chazal tell us (Bereishis Raba 65) that when Esav came to serve his father, his honoring of his father was impeccable, to the point that Chazal tell us how far we lag behind Esav in knowing how to properly serve our parents. However, Chazal point to one flaw in his honoring of his parents that in our society might be overlooked. When offering his father food, he said, “…let my father sit up and eat,” rather than saying, “Please my father, sit up and eat.” This lack of etiquette may seem negligible to us; yet it is highlighted by Chazal. The Alter expands on this and tells us that Esav had a really bad day up until that point. He was very frustrated, for every time he captured an animal and tied it down, an angel came and freed it! Yet, says the Alter, Esav was still taken to task for improperly addressing his father – this one and only time – based on his own high standard of honoring his parents.

I would like to note here that even a person who might be as wicked as Esav (a man who can commit all three cardinal sins in just one day), regarding the mitzvos he does with purity, his natural tendency will be to do those mitzvos 100% correctly.

When someone slips up and does something wrong, he will often excuse himself by saying, “I am having a bad day!” Yet was his day as disappointing and frustrating as Esav’s day was? Esav was not excused for his behavior because he was having a bad day; why then do many of us think that this is a good excuse?!”

When someone speaks loshen hara, comes late to synagogue to pray, or does any action which is wrong, he may justify his actions by saying, “This is what everyone else does!” Yet deep down, he knows what is really expected of him, and that he is capable of fulfilling these expections. This is because we are all born with inherently good and pure middos. So even a bad day shouldn’t quash our true goodness.

Possibly, this is the derech eretz that comes before all the books that describe what is right and what is wrong. As a rule of thumb, I would like to suggest the following “litmus” test: If you think you are going to have to justify your behavior to another Torah Jew, no matter how good your justification may be, the behavior is probably wrong.

I would like to close with the following incident which illustrates this thought: The Satmar Rebbe was notorious for beginning his prayers after the proper time. One Satmar chassid proposed starting a new minyan in Williamsburg which would daven according to the proper times. The other chassidim considered this an affront to the Rebbe’s honor and complained to the Rebbe, “This chassid has no derech eretz!” Yet the Satmar Rebbe was excited to hear of this new minyan, which would be at the proper time. The chassidim were surprised, and asked the Rebbe, “Why is it permissible for this man start a minyan that davens on time?” To this the Rebbe answered, “When this man comes to heaven and they ask him, ‘Why did you daven at this early time?’, he will defend himself by saying, ‘I just followed Shulchan Aruch!’” Then the Rebbe turned to the chassidim and asked, “Do you have as good an answer as that for your davening practices?”