Generally when we think about teshuva, we think about a person who did something atrocious, either in his personal life (bein adam l’Makom) or to someone else (bein adam l’chaveiro). Indeed, Chazal spend a lot of time explaining the subject of repentance, which begs the question “how can one change the past”? (as they say, you cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together again.)

As we stand here on Shabbos Shuva preparing for Yom Kippur we find the task of doing teshuva quite daunting. We know that there are different levels of teshuva and we hope to achieve at least a small start to the process.

The story is told about a chassidishe rebbe who was the chazan for shacharis on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The custom is for the Chazzan to sing “Hamelech” in his regular seat in the shul, and then to walk to the amud to continue from there. The Rebbe cried out, “Hamelech” from his seat and immediately fainted. He was revived and then hastily went to the amud and davened as if nothing had happened. His chasidim, after davening, asked him, “Why did the Rebbe faint?” To this the Rebbe explained, “When I said ‘Hamelech’ today I was calling out to the King in all earnestness. But where have I been until now? Regret and remorse overtook me and I fainted!”

Another story is told about Rav Saadia Gaon who, while travelling through the countryside, was invited as a guest by a simple Jew. When the Jew found out that his guest was none other than the Gadol Hador Rav Saadia Gaon, the host pleaded for mechila, stating, “I didn’t treat you as a Jew should treat the Gadol Hador, and only treated you as one Jew treats another. Therefore, I must ask forgiveness.” Rav Saadia gave him full mechila on the spot. However, this caused Rav Saadia to realize that he too may have been guilty of a similar lack of respect for Hashem, and would need to do teshuva through asking mechila from Hashem every day. At the end of each day, after growing in his fear and understanding of Hashem, he would reveal another layer of greatness of Hashem. But that layer would demand a greater amount of respect for Hashem compared to how the Rav was respecting Him previously. This is known as the “Teshuva of Rav Sadia Gaon” – doing teshuva due to an inadequate level of respect for Hashem (completely disconnected to a lack of fulfilling mitzvos or for committing aveiros).

Chazal learn from the verse “Shuva Yisrael ad Hashem Elokeicha ki koshalta b’avonecha…” (Hoshaya 14:2), that teshuva is so great that it reaches the Kisay Hakavod. But there are also two verses in the Torah which speak about teshuva: Devarim 30:2 “and you will return to Hashem your G-d and listen to his voice…” and Devarim (30:3) “and God will bring you back from your captivity and have mercy on you.” There are those who ask why we have to quote the verse from Navi? Isn’t the quote from the Torah sufficient? I saw an answer to this question which gives us hope. The verse in the Torah does not state explicitly what kind of sins were committed, and one may think that one’s relationship can only be reinstated if he repents in the manner of Rav Sadia Gaon, and if one “only” disrespected Hashem, then one can reach the Kisay Hakavod. Or, if one has remorse such as the Rebbe who was the baal tefillah, he can also get to that highest level of teshuva. However, only the Prophet says clearly to return to Hashem because you have faltered and fallen in sin, thereby teaching us that even if one committed one of the truly hideous sins, if one does teshuva properly, he can reach the Kisay Hakavod.

I believe many of us, now that we are well into the 10 days of repentance, may feel like that Rebbe of years gone by who wondered, “where have I been until now?” This feeling can be the basis to build a foundation of teshuva for even the worst aveiros.

May we merit to have a gmar chasima tova, and a truly uplifting year, in which our relationship with Hashem grows every single day, like Rav Saadia Gaon.