“… whenever Rivka passed the Beis Medrash of Shem, Yaakov tried to get out. Whenever she passed a house of idol worship, Eisav tried to get out.” (Rashi on Bereishis 25:34)

“Eisav is compared to a pig…A pig tries to show it is a kosher animal by holding up its hooves… so too Eisav tried to show he was a tzaddik by getting married at age 40 like his father (even though he was raping women).” (Rashi on Bereishis 26:34)

The Mishnah states (Peah 8:8): “A person who makes himself appear to be crippled or blind in order to solicit charity, will eventually become so before he dies.” If this principle is true, then Eisav, who posed as a tzaddik (as Rashi writes above), should have eventually become one before his death. We know that Eisav even asked Yitzchak how to take maaser from salt. He constantly played the role of a pious and righteous individual. Yet he obviously did not become a tzaddik in the end. Why not?

I once saw an explanation from a Rav, who explained that Eisav’s pretense of being a tzaddik was not merely in order to fool others. Rather, he trained himself to always put on a convincing display of righteousness, while fully aware that he was the furthest thing from being a tzaddik.

In fact, Eisav’s “habit” started in the womb. Chazal tell us that whenever Rivka passed a Shul or Beis Midrash, Yaakov struggled to get out. Whenever she passed a house of idol worship, Eisav struggled to get out. The Klausinberger Rebbe (Rabbi Yekusiel Yehudah Halberstam 1905-1994) asks: What happened to Eisav’s tendency to hide his wickedness? He answers that even then, Eisav maintained his façade by making it appear as though he wanted to get out in order to fight against idol worship. Even in the womb, he pretended to have righteous intentions while he really wanted to get out to serve idols.

All of us live with contradictions. We know we should be coming to Shul on time, yet we often find ourselves arriving late. We know we shouldn’t be saying lashon hara, yet we can’t seem to stop. This leads us to wonder: Who are we really? Are we the person striving to do good, or the sinner who often falls short?

The answer is that both sides exist within us. Our job is to continuously choose the side that brings us closer to Hashem. But when we fail, our responsibility is not to fool others or ourselves. The Gemara teaches that if a person feels compelled to sin, he should go to a private place and wear black clothing before doing so. The hope is that he will either stop himself or, at the very least, recognize that what he is doing is wrong.

We are now two months after Rosh Hashana, making this a good time to take stock of how we are doing with our kabalos for the new year. The most important thing is to ensure that we are not acting like Eisav, putting on a show while refusing to honestly confront who we are. We must be honest with ourselves, take responsibility for our mistakes, and continue striving to improve our Avodas Hashem.