Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord. (Vayikra 19:18)

The Mesilas Yesharim writes (11:78):

The sins of hatred and revenge, as well, are very difficult for the deluded heart of human beings to avoid. For a person is very sensitive to his humiliations and suffers great pain because of them, and thus, revenge is sweeter to him than honey, for it alone gives him comfort from the pain of the insult.

Even though revenge is sweet, the Torah still tells us that one is not permitted to take revenge! How does one overcome this seemingly natural desire, and even more difficult, how does one not bear a grudge?

In the classic case of revenge, Reuven asks Shimon to borrow his lawn mower, and Shimon says no, because Shimon is worried that it will get damaged while in Reuven’s possession. The seasons change, and Shimon approaches Reuven to borrow his snowblower. Reuven remembers quite clearly that he was not given the lawnmower when he requested it. It seems from Chazal that without the first incident in the summer Reuven would have lent the snowblower. Yet now Reuven is considering not lending the snowblower so that he can take revenge on his friend Shimon. The Torah demands that Reuven instead increase his love for his fellow Jew, which will overcome his desire to take revenge, and he will then act according to his inherent desire to help another Jew. This is the approach of Rav Baruch Mordechai Ezrachi ZT”L (1929-2023), to help us understand that our love for our fellow man must be greater than our desire to take revenge.

I would like to address the second Mitzva in this verse, “Lo Sitor”, do not bear a grudge. Reuven has an issue with Shimon, which is why even if he does not take revenge, and does lend the snowblower to Shimon, he may feel the necessity to chastise Shimon, by stating, “I am not like you – I WILL lend you my snowblower!” However, though Reuven wants to teach Shimon that even if one prefers to not lend out his items, he should leave his comfort zone and lend it anyway, (as we are all Jews). Instead, he is transgressing  “lo sitor”. Reuven’s obligation was to overcome his desire to teach the lesson, as Shimon may have had a good reason for not lending the lawn mower and therefore did no wrong. Under those circumstances, by Reuven lending the snowblower to Shimon and “saying his piece”, the lesson that he would like to impart will not be imparted.

What we learn from these two ideas is that to help ourselves and to help the people around us, the Torah gives us exact methods and situations when and where lessons should or should not be imparted. We should always think before we act, to make sure that we are reacting in the way Hashem wants us to.