“Then you answered and said to me, We have sinned against the Lord, we will go up and fight, according to all that the Lord our God commanded us. And you girded on every man his weapons of war, and ventured to go up into the hill.” (Devarim 1:41)

We often struggle to get ourselves to do things – even things we really want to do. We all know the tricks: promising ourselves a reward afterward, giving ourselves a treat in advance, or simply pushing ourselves to do it without any incentive. But even when we do what we are supposed to be doing, if we don’t do it within the proper framework, it is not the act we were meant to do.

Rabbeinu Yona gives an example of this. The seuda hamafsekes eaten on erev Yom Kippur is called the “Seuda of Yom Kippur”. Since we are not allowed to eat on Yom Kippur, it is moved forward a day. If someone chose to eat his Yom Kippur meal on Yom Kippur itself, he would get kares rather than a mitzvah!

There is also an example in this week’s parsha. Hashem commands the Bnei Yisrael to enter Eretz Yisrael. Instead of going right away, they request spies. After the spies return, they no longer want to go. Then, once Hashem tells them that they are no longer supposed to go to Eretz Yisrael, they rise early the next morning, insisting on going. They are convinced that they are doing Hashem’s will. Moshe warns them that now they are sinning by going, but they only realize it was a mistake when they are attacked.

We all experience this. We miss an opportunity and try to make it up. But sometimes it is too late and trying to fix it can make things worse.

Consider an example – not halacha limaaseh, but very relevant. A person is standing in shul when a poor person comes to collect. He immerses himself in prayer, thinking, “One who is involved in a mitzvah is exempt from another mitzvah”. After the collector moves on, he decides he will give him money after davening. But those around him saw that he didn’t give, and they too refrained. Even if he later gives tzedakah, it doesn’t compensate for the fact that his actions caused others to withhold tzedakah.

Another example is honoring parents. When someone is newly married – often for the first 20 years – they feel privileged to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents when their parents visit, and do it with enthusiasm. But as the parents age and require more care, it becomes burdensome. Even those who continue to help often do so without fervor. Yet this is the real test of honoring parents: When the parent can no longer give anything in return, will the child still honor their parents wholeheartedly? They were eager when it was easy, but now that it is needed, they look for ways out.

At the heart of this is a question: Are we doing Hashem’s will, or are we doing what feels right to us? When we surrender our initial “I” to Hashem, every mitzvah becomes that much easier.

Take davening. Many people pray to Hashem because they assume if they daven well, they will get what they want. But how well will that same person daven when he knows he will not receive what he prays for? His obligation to pray remains unchanged, and so should his focus.

Most of us understand the importance of coming to shul on Tisha b’Av and saying the kinnos. We understand that it’s a mitzvah, and saying the kinnos makes us into better people. Yet many of us lack the commitment to do it as well as we can. I urge everyone to prepare for kinnos. Whether you will be introducing a kina for the congregation, or just preparing it for yourself, learning a kinah beforehand is a mitzvah in its own right, fulfilling the mitzvah to properly mourn for Jerusalem.

May we merit that our preparation itself brings the Geula, sparing us from the need to recite the kinnos, and may this Tisha b’Av turn into a day of joy.